Anyone can have what we have: How I got my kinks, and how an absolute honesty policy led to the best sex of our lives
You also keep saying over and over again “we have by far the best sex of anyone we know… (We talk about this sort of things with our friends openly…)” . Who in the fuck are you trying to fool? Or are you trying to convince yourself of this?
I claim to “know” we have better sex based on the questions we’re asked when people ask us for advice. In our circle of friends, we’re very open with the things we’re into. We’re specifically known for not mincing words out of embarrassment or “awkwardness,” and that is by intention.
Mr. S and I both grew up in sexually conservative households where ‘sex’ was a dirty word and masturbation was ‘gross’ and ‘wrong.’ If it weren’t for the internet, we probably would have stayed that way- but we’re both kind of big online nerds, and so we ended up exploring the depths of internet fetishes together- including a bunch of stuff that we were (at first) both far too ashamed of being aroused by to even consider admitting to one another. There was once a time where I felt ashamed about the stuff I had orgasms to- and if I felt bad for even thinking about that stuff in the privacy of my own mind, you’d better believe I was afraid to talk about it out loud!
A few years ago, after an empathogen experience we had together, Mr. S and I were able to ‘clear the skeletons out of our closets’ in the course of an evening, and from there, we began to experiment with a policy of “absolute honesty.” We’d already swept all the dust from under the rug, so to speak, so after that, it was just a matter of keeping what we already had going by actively trying to always stay honest with one another.
Now, this “100% honesty” policy of ours doesn’t mean that we just say anything to each other that comes to mind as soon as it comes to mind (“You dumb asshole! That was such a stupid idea!” - no.), what it means is that we don’t lie to one another, even when the truth is awkward, or painful, or it’s something we know the other doesn’t want to hear. This includes lies of omission. With our policy, if we think of something, then find ourselves dwelling on why we don’t want to bring up a subject with the other, then it means we *need* to bring it up at an appropriate time.
That’s how I found out about Mr. S’s fat girl fetish (he used to be *really* embarrassed about that), that’s how Mr. S found out about my feeding fetish (something I used to feel *really* weird for being aroused by)… there’s plenty of other examples too (pretty much the revelation of every ‘extreme’ fetish we share is a direct result of this policy), but those are two ‘major’ kinks of ours that we were too ashamed to talk about before our policy came into effect.
It’s not a path of least resistance, and it’s hard at times (especially when you’re voluntarily admitting to something you’re sure won’t get a good response!), but it’s worked for nearly 10 years for us, and it’s directly resulted in us having the most amazing orgasms of our lives on a regular basis since we adopted it.
We discovered that once we were able to talk about a fetish we were embarrassed about with one another, suddenly it didn’t seem so weird or embarrassing at all, and it just became easier and easier.
Anyways- we both started out almost totally afraid to even talk about sex, but after poking around on the internet and meeting people and reading people’s stories (long before I was anywhere near taking up the name SheilaStretch), we came to realize that a *lot* of people, even adults, are absolutely too embarrassed to talk openly about something as ‘dirty’ as sex. A lot of people won’t even talk about sex period, much less get into talking about embarrassing kinks with their partners, especially when they’re afraid it’s a weird kink no one else could ever share!
After we realized that *everyone* has a bit of kink, and that *everyone* has kinks they’re embarrassed about, we kind of made it our mission to act as un-embarrassed about sex and our ‘weird’ fetishes as possible with our circle of friends- maybe in hopes of trying to make it to feel like less of a taboo topic.
When you’re at a drinking party and the mood is right, if an adult couple starts a confident sounding conversation about “embarrassing” fetishes, you’d be surprised at how many people will chime in and ‘casually’ ask questions they might never ask otherwise- and all it takes is one or two people sounding confident enough to make people feel like they should be embarrassed about being too embarrassed to talk about sex like adults (which can lead to them making an attempt to be more confident when talking about the subject to try to fit in with the mood). It works surprisingly well. You’d be astonished at the number of people who’d admit to being into the idea of something even as taboo as bestiality at a random party if the subject is broached the right way…
Anyways, we were doing this long before we started posting online, but after we did start posting, we met some really interesting people- for example, a friend who’s been married for 60 years. He’s been a cross dresser for most of that, but because he was ashamed of it, he hid it from his wife almost the entire time- keeping it as a secret part of himself he shared with no one. That sucks!
For Mr. S and I, we are one another’s “Catholic priests”. We do confessionals to one another without reservation- where we admit to even the things we feel ashamed for even having though of privately- and through that, we know one another better, both in and out of the bedroom.
And that has led to *amazing* sex for us.
I feel like any couple can have what we have if they’re open enough with one another. I feel like if you’re in a relationship with someone you feel you can’t share *everything* about yourself with (even the really dark shit you’re ashamed of yourself for even considering), then maybe you’re not in the right relationship.
Maybe it sounds stuck up, but I don’t think we have a patent on communication. I think every couple can and should have what we have (maybe not our specific kinks, but the level of honest communication), and that’s a big part of why I put so much effort into spreading my kinks around for free like I do.
(The above from a post I replied to on RoganBoard. It seemed worth reposting here.)